Ethics
by Red Witch
Summary: After DOOML, Jean reflects on the real reason she left the X-Men and does not want to go back to the Insitute.


**The disclaimer saying that I don't own any X-Men Evo characters has been burned by the Phoenix. This is a little character study of Jean that takes place after the events of DOOML and Living the Normal Life. **

**Ethics**

If someone had told me even six months ago I'd be living like this I would have never believed them.

It isn't the fact that I'm living on my own with Scott and Madelyne, or working in a bar to pay the bills. That I'm no longer an X-Man or a student, just a struggling waitress in a bar trying to keep her family afloat.

It's what I've been doing the past few weeks that's really starting to get to me.

Scott, Madelyne and I…The three of us now live in a small modest apartment. We both need to work to pay the rent and take care of Madelyne. Scott found work in a garage and a cousin of mine got me a waitress job at a nearby bar.

It was tough at first but I quickly picked up how to do my job and I learned to do it well.

Of course part of that was from reading the minds of more experienced waitresses and learning their secrets. Most people there had no idea I was a mutant and I decided to keep it that way. I wear a wig to work so no one recognizes me.

Yes I know that reading people's minds is a ethical breech but this isn't some stupid test back in high school. I had to learn to do my job well in order to pay the bills. It wasn't just for me. It was for Scott and Madelyne.

See that's what I'm talking about. Ever since we've left the Institute I've had to break those so called ethical rules in order to survive.

Now it's become second nature for me to casually scan new customers that come into this bar. Hoping and praying they don't recognize me. If they do I have to quickly change their minds and make them think they are mistaken and forget about me.

I've had to do that more than once. It was necessary in order to keep my identity a secret. The last thing I need is a bunch of mutant haters to stir up trouble.

I've also had to change the minds of a few…normally persistent men who would want to 'get to know me better' by any way possible. Or any other woman for that matter. Or any fool that is too drunk and wants to fight. A good mental suggestion for that drunk to sleep it off works just fine and keeps things quiet.

Not to mention give a few of those drunks a good nudge to leave an extra large tip for me. The money comes in handy for paying the bills.

Obviously I don't tell Scott about this. I mean he spends most of the day in a backroom garage where no one sees him. How could he possibly understand? He'd say I was abusing my powers.

I guess I am. The old me would have thought so. The old me was a straight A student that passed Ethics classes with flying colors.

I really did believe I knew what the best ways to use my powers were for back then.

Now I realize that ethics are easy to uphold in a classroom away from the real world. It's easy to say you would never take money when someone else is paying the bills. It's living them that is more difficult. Because life isn't always black and white. It's shades of gray and darker gray and even darker gray.

It seems that all those things I was disappointed in the Professor in, and everything I've hated about Emma…I've done the exact same things.

I've used my powers to hide my identity, wipe people's minds, influence them into doing what I want. I've kept secrets from people I care about. I've even killed and put someone in a coma using them. Who am I kidding? I destroyed an entire **planet** and wrecked an empire using them. Okay it was an evil slave making planet and the empire was ruled by a maniac but still…

The scary part about it is that I'm justifying everything I've done.

I'm afraid to talk to Scott or anyone else about this. Afraid they'll be appalled at the person I'm becoming.

The person I've become. If it was my choice or the will of fate or the influence of someone else it doesn't matter. I am a very different person than what I thought I would become. What I believe I would always be.

I'm no longer that naive straight laced A student. The captain of the Soccer Team that has a strong sense of right and wrong. I'm not Miss Perfect anymore. At least not on the inside. You can't go through half the things I have been through and not change! I've even **died **and come back to life! How can something like that **not **change you?

I look at what I was and how self righteous I was and I laugh at myself. I was right to be mocked at and scorned. They were right to laugh at me. I thought I knew all the answers back then.

I knew nothing.

I'm trying to do the right thing. I really am. But more and more I find that by doing the right thing I'm forced to do the **wrong** thing. By using my powers.

I find myself listening to that voice inside my head. That voice that represents the Phoenix. That calm, rational voice that one wouldn't expect to hear from a side of oneself that is nothing but fire and passion.

This force is older than time itself and it has bonded with my blood and my soul forever, until the end of time. It may burn with the rage of a thousand tyrants but it also has the patience of a million monks.

It knows how to wait.

It knows sooner or later I will weaken.

Deep down I know that's the real reason I left the Institute.

A lot of my anger and indignation at Xavier and what he's done is a lie. I've done far worse, become much more dangerous than he has.

And I'm afraid at what he will do if he ever realizes that.

Thank God he doesn't know. Thank God he doesn't realize how much I've really changed. His guilt at his sins being discovered overwhelmed him. He was so busy having his own darkness exposed to the light he completely forgot about mine.

And I had to leave before he recovered. Before he found out the same thing was happening to me.

I know deep down that no matter how much he cares for me, no much how much he loves me…He would see me dead and destroyed if I became the threat I knew I could one day be.

He would kill me and discard me as he has done so many times before.

He forgot about Sage and put her aside when he could not rescue her.

He forgot about his closest childhood friend when his own life was in danger.

He forgot about dozens of other operatives he had in the field. Not telling anyone about the dark dealings he did, no matter how necessary.

He forgot everything except his dream.

I have seen enough to know that no matter how much he loves us, how much he claims to desire justice and equality…He desires his dream of peace even more.

The Dream consumes him just as the Phoenix consumes me.

Being burned by my own self is one thing but to be burned by another…

I could not handle such betrayal.

So I did the only thing I could do. I convinced Scott that we had to leave Xavier as quickly as possible. Not that hard to do. He was so disillusioned he would have agreed to live the rest of his life in a theme park if I asked.

I escaped Xavier's fire so that mine would not be extinguished.

Now that I am out of his sight I am safe.

Oh yes he worries for me and about me, but as long as I am careful he will not keep close tabs on me. I will keep my powers under control, not give him a reason to keep checking up on me.

In time he will forget about me as he did the others.

As long as I am away from him he will remain unaware of my strength.

As long as I am careful he will not discover my secret.

Which leads me back to the bar.

So what if I have to nudge a few drunks into leaving me a bigger tip?

So what if I change the minds of a few jerks thinking they can just drop a date rape drug into some poor woman's glass?

So what if I hide from the world?

I can't hide from myself. But I can hide from Xavier. I know what will happen if I have to go back there. I can't go back. I **won't **go back.

My abuse of power this way is a necessary evil. It protects my new life and my new family. It's just enough to keep the Phoenix from breaking free. Just a little bit of power released in quiet moments is much better than bottling it up all the time only to have it break free in a blaze of destruction.

And it does work. The Phoenix is easier to control inside me when I use my power discreetly. This is the only way I can have a normal life.

If this is the price I must pay for my freedom, if my secrets are the price I must pay for my happiness with Scott and Madelyne…Then I'll gladly pay it.

I will always be happy and cheerful to hide my sadness at the world.

I will be positive to hide my dark side.

I will sing to hide my rage.

I will pretend that I haven't used my powers in weeks when actually I've been using them every day for my own personal gain.

I will tell lies to hide the truth.

By becoming what I hate I ensure my freedom and my family's safety.

For if I fail, there will be Hellfire to pay.


End file.
